Expectations...

[Dazzle]

Alright, this is kinda a rant about the stuff that made me miss out on a lot of the stuff around here...

Okay, I definately don't like bragging, but let's say I'm a good student. Top one percentile of the country on multiple standardized tests. Straight A's all throughout high school, valedictorian material. Multiple extracurricular activities, volunteer hours, and leadership positions. You get the picture.

Now, I don't want to sound ungrateful for any gifts that I may have, but really I'm sick and tired of all the baggage that comes along with this sort of stuff. I just finished my college applications, and already I'm being thrown into a lot of things that I really don't like. I'm supposed to be one of those Ivy League type guys, but I really don't want to do that, for a number reasons:

1) My family can not afford it...

2) I would probably shoot myself in the face

With college, there are a LOT of expectations for me, that I really don't like. Oh, you're smart? Really good at math? We're shipping you off to engineering school. Now, I admittingly like math and science, but I also love music, art, literature, and especially history. I try to be a sort of renaissance man in terms of my interests. So, when all these colleges are asking me what I want to do with my life, I usually answer with a

"How the hell should I know?"

I honestly have no idea where I want to go or what I want to do. I don't like the pressure put on by some colleges to go into certain fields. This one school of engineering has offered me a full ride, but what if I don't want to do that with my life? I think it's kinda early for these commitments.

Then there are the high school commitments. I'm supposed to be valedictorian, but with all the stuff I got going on, I don't know if I can maintain straight A's. I'll go into my theory of why I think my grades will drop a bit later is a bit later.

Extracurricular activities have become less fun and more of a burden. I am in A LOT of stuff. Like I'm going 24-7. Today, I just go back from a Scholastic Bowl meet, where I am captain of my currently undefeated team. Yeah, I like the game and the guys there, but I also really don't need that sort of stress right now. I'm so spread thin with all my stuff that I don't know what's what anymore. And the real problem is I listed all of my activities on my college application, so now I feel obligated to continue with all of them, despite even my physical limitations.

My health hasn't been so good for the last couple months, and I'm pretty sure it's due to stress. I don't think I'm a hypochondriac (infact, I'm personally against many medications, do to the fact that I think medicine is over-prescribed now-a-days). I had issues like this before when I was a little kid, but I got over it by going to a high school where nobody knew me.

I went to public school and then personally decided to go to a Catholic high school so that I would not be able to live up to any expectations. But you know my current situation. I probably have more expectations than before. Like when I was little, my health and academic ability (which are related) have been going down the tubes the last few months. I don't want to go into specifics with a bunch of stuff, but all I know is that senior year is supposed to be fun, but mine's been a living hell.

I'm trying not to sound like a whiny bitch, even though I probably am. I always get the "people would kill to be in your position kinda thing." But I don't think people realize some of the stuff that comes along with being "at the top." I probably just need to relax a little, but I doubt thats gonna happen.

The only thing I really find solace in is playing music with no real goals with my friends, writing pointless stuff like this on the internet, and searching for the ultimate truth in life through science, philosophy, and religion. But of course, there is no way I'll be able to base my life off of any of those. So lately, I've seen no real point to anything, and I sound really emo right now.

I swear, I'm not emo, but I am pretty thoughtful and introspective(at least compared to most of the people I know)...

Well anyways, sorry to bore you with this pointless rant that didn't even really come to a conclusion.

[Near]

Dec 2, 2008 22:57:54 GMT -5 Dazzle said:

With college, there are a LOT of expectations for me, that I really don't like. Oh, you're smart? Really good at math? We're shipping you off to engineering school. Now, I admittingly like math and science, but I also love music, art, literature, and especially history. I try to be a sort of renaissance man in terms of my interests. So, when all these colleges are asking me what I want to do with my life, I usually answer with a

"How the hell should I know?"

I honestly have no idea where I want to go or what I want to do. I don't like the pressure put on by some colleges to go into certain fields. This one school of engineering has offered me a full ride, but what if I don't want to do that with my life? I think it's kinda early for these commitments.

I absolutely agree! Let me preface this with something I hope may be a bit of consolation to you: I'm a 'junior' in college at the moment and I'm still completely uncertain as to what I want to do. I've changed my major five times, minor countless more. As a matter of fact, I'm thinking it may take me five or six years to get my bachelor's as opposed to four simply because I've switched between so many drastically different concentrations that I've only gotten the basics in each ... x.x

I was lucky enough to have been offered full rides to a few schools, so, word of advice - try to steer clear of scholarships dependent upon your enrollment in a particular concentration (and it sounds like you should have a few from which to choose, so good deal). It's rather easy to change your major when you're not bound to it by contract (I should know xD); your choice isn't at all set in stone.

Anyway, although I've never been the socially active type nor the type to participate in extracurriculars (Walking down the street with people stresses me out, so student council? Pssht. I'll pass. Rofl.), I can sympathize with you on the indecision front. ^^

Honestly, I have some issues with the very concept of uber-uber-strict specialization (I understand that in some career tracks it's necessary, but whatever happened to being well-rounded?). I hate the thought of pigeon-holing myself into a career that I may or may not end up liking, in the end. You know, actually ... I hate the word 'career', too. I don't even want a 'career'. I'm in school to learn, to broaden my intellectual horizons ... not so I can get a good job. >.> I'd much rather sit on my ass and think and surf the internet all day than work, anyway. Really, as long as I have funds for art supplies, beer, internet and the odd book or two ... I'm cool. Rofl.

And, yes, there's always the option of dropping out of the 'rat race' altogether, if it's not making you happy. (You can see that I'm seriously considering that myself, atm.)You're the one who has to constantly live with yourself, so as opposed to meeting others' expectations, shouldn't securing your own happiness be your primary motivation and goal? I don't consider that a selfish thing to say, at all ...

What's selfish, I think, is our society's tendency to dismiss as frivolous any interest/career choice that doesn't directly contribute to the economy and all that crap. Bah. Philosophy is a worthy and noble pursuit, dang it! A contribution to the knowledge/idea pool, abstract or not, is just as important as a contribution to any other facet of society, don't you think? I do. I mean, perhaps they're different kinds of importance, but ... yeah, you get my point.